The Most Wonderful Time

Today I was thinking about everything I have to accomplish before Christmas and then I was like WAIT I HAVE THAT BLOG.

So, um, sorry? For neglecting you. And stuff.

It’s like, one moment you’re daydreaming about what holiday packages might be waiting on your doorstep after work, and next thing you know it’s already 3:45 and you haven’t eaten your lunch yet. So you have something delivered to your work to save time, but that totally backfires when twenty minutes later you’re calling the Jimmy John’s from right across the street feeling like a total moron for not walking the whole 40 extra feet to pick up the damn sandwich.

Point A is my desk, Point B is Jimmy Johns, and the image of my face is where I wait for the delivery because you guys, what if I walk over there only to find out I just missed the delivery guy, and I have to walk all the way back across the street without my coat on and STILL SANS SANDWICH? But I don’t want to call after only ten minutes because then they’ll be all “BLT? More like B*TCH-L-T, amiright!?” So I wait twenty minutes then call and the delivery guy magically shows up while I’m on the phone.

Abracaf*ckin’dabra.

So I get back to my desk and promptly open the Dr. Pepper that’s been shaking around in my purse because I’ve always wondered what it would be like to spray soda all over my keyboard and off-white sweater, which now has spots of off-off-off-white, which is like off-off-off-Broadway but stickier and even less pretentious.

Then after work I walk around the corner to the USPS to mail some special packages to some special ladies but the they’ve closed an hour earlier than the internet claims they do, which is especially frustrating because I didn’t make it yesterday due to CRAY CRAY rush hour traffic.

I begin to wonder if it’s all worth it, because really Christmas has become so materialistic that maybe this year I should scrap it all and just make donations to a bunch of charities for WAIT A MINUTE THERE’S A FEDEX NEAR WHERE I PARKED.

Oh FedEx, you’re open so many hours later than the USPS which is perfect because I’ve already f*cked up two address labels and might be here until close.

But it’s all worth it because I finally get home when I see it, that old familiar view — the glorious, breathtaking Amazondotcom Mountain Range, which spans majestically across My Front Porch, Pennsylvania.

I conquered the sh*t out of that mountain and I’m expecting the book deals to come pouring in any day now. Also, I just found a Milky Way Dark in my purse.

I got to say, it was a good day.

So, what was I saying? Oh yeah, I should post more. Sorry.

8 thoughts on “The Most Wonderful Time

  1. Ok, first of all, MILKY WAY DARK. Let’s watch rom coms and eat 25 of these sometime soon, ok? Also, abracafuckindabra. You’re like a goddamn genius. This post was hilarious!

  2. This was wonderful. So ADD (or maybe that should be ADDi) and I loved it. You seriously captured my brain as of late… so it is nice to know I’m not alone.

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