Flushed Out

Those who know me well know that I am not afraid to do my business in a public restroom. This holds true at work, where I am quite comfy dropping an occasional afternoon deuce.

The maintenance woman usually comes around twice a day. In the last year or so, on more than one occasion, my bowels have scheduled a conference call with the City of Pittsburgh’s plumbing RIGHT before this poor unfortunate soul arrives. She rolls in with the cart and typically goes about her business regardless of any stalls that may be occupied, but on this particular day she must’ve had a bug up her ass.

Ahem, sorry. I meant stick up her ass. HEYWAITAMINUTE…

So, back to me. I’m sitting in the second stall, going about my biznasty and expecting her to finish up any minute now. I see her sneakers shuffle into the stall on my left and she flushes the toilet. She then bounces to the stall on my right and flushes there, too. Then she waltzes back to stall number one where she flushes again. Then back over to stall three for more flushing.

Aaaaaaand back to the first stall. Flush. Third stall. Flush. Left again, flush. Right again, flush. Left, flush. Right, flush. Left flush. Right flush. ONE FLUSH TWO FLUSH RED FLUSH BLUE FLUSH HEY DO YOU WANT ME TO JUST COME BACK LATER TO FINISH UP WITH THIS COMPLETELY NECESSARY BODILY FUNCTION? K NO PROBLEM BYEEEEEEE.

I became so weirded out by the whole thing that I got my shit together (SO TO SPEAK) and got the hell outta there.

Which was fine because I also kinda had the feeling I was being watched, y’know?

Your turn! Tell me all about how much you love public restrooms because nothing weird ever happens there.

MiscellAddious: The Musical

Oh heyyyyyyyyy how are you? How about this weather we’re having? How’s your mom? How about my pathetic stalling tactics?

I’m sorry I neglected you AGAIN. I’ve been busy, honest. Ohhhhh, you’re busy too, huh? So you’re raising two kids, working full time, and running a charity? BIG WHOOP. Get back to me when you’ve eaten half a bowl of cookie dough and caught up on New Girl. Pssshhhhaw.

Arcade Comedy
On Friday night, the new Arcade Comedy Theater downtown opened its doors for the first time to the Cultural District Gallery Crawl. My husband and I, acting as comedy troupe Frankly Scarlett’s house band The Give-a-Damns, performed a couple of arcade themed covers (“Pinball Wizard” for example) and just generally wooed the crowds with our charm and talent.

Arcade has asked me to act as a musical talent and booking agent of sorts, so if you know a funny or unusual musical act in the area (or if you ARE one), please get in touch with me!

SWAN Day
This year, Camelia Road was asked to collaborate on SWAN’s closing number with fellow Pittsburgh artists Emay and Continuum Dance Theater. Ive always written my music alone and with my own methods, so collaborating with another musician in the writing stage has caused me some… uh… insecurity.

Oh, you want me to expose my vulnerability to others? BRB.

Yet Another Music Project
Sometimes I think I’m involved in plenty of musical endeavors and even just one more thing would break the singing camel’s back. Then someone starts talking me up about a new idea and I decide that it can’t POSSIBLY be a bad idea to get involved in more creative things because yay music! It’s kind of like that whole “God never gives us more than we can handle” saying, except in this scenario I guess I’m God? And I have to decide how much is too much for myself to handle, and I still haven’t resolved that rock-so-big-even-I-can’t-lift-it thing so how can I possibly be expected to figure this one out?

Ohhhhhhhhh, NOW it makes sense.  

I’m sorry if this post proved disappointing because the title had you expecting a musical. Imagine how ambitious it would be to actually write one of those! That’s so much work1!

So what are YOUR excuses for not posting on your blog more often? Tell me all about it in the comments!

1Okay, yes, at some point I agreed to write a musical with a local theater company. Don’t look at me like that! The timeline is open-ended!

Best Shit Ever: 2012 Edition

It’s that time of year again when self-important bloggers everywhere make lists of their favorite things from the past year for you to “ooh” and “ahh” about. I’m certainly not above it.

Here’s a collection of things I recommend that I had the pleasure of discovering just this year despite the fact that some of them have been around longer. What can I say? I’ve never been a cool kid.

Cards Against Humanity: A Party Game for Horrible People
When a friend described this game as a filthy version of Apples to Apples, I knew I had to have it. I purchased the official card pack, but they do have a free downloadable version online! Warning: It is not suitable for your kids. Or your parents.

Your Away Message Twitter Parody Account
Sometimes it feels like watching from afar as that sorority girl you sorta knew in college went through an embarrassing public breakup. Other times it’s as if you’re going back through your OWN instant messenger history. Nostalgia-laugh headache!

Fashion to Figure Trendy Clothes for Fatties
I have gotten more compliments on the dresses I’ve purchased here than ANY other store. They have plenty of modern stuff, but I’ve found some great classic dresses that are perfect for work or a night on the town.

British TV series Misfits On Hulu+
The first two seasons of this are some of the best television I’ve ever seen. Described as a sci-fi comedy drama, this shit had me in stitches every episode. The incredible characters are brought to life by a truly talented cast, and the soundtrack is so good I was compelled to create a Spotify playlist for it. Do yourself a favor and add it to that long list of shows you need to watch.

Sephora Bain Dissolvent Express Instant Nail Polish Remover
Small bottle, big difference. It feels smoother, smells nicer, and works better. I now hate using any other kind of polish remover.

Podcasts
Naturally, I’m quite enamored with my own podcast. SHOCKER. But there are so many other good ones out there! I really dig You Had to Be There with Sarah Schaefer and Nikki Glaser and of course RadioLab is always riveting (and no, I don’t care if you don’t count it as a podcast). But my absolute favorite this year has been Professor Blastoff. It’s basically just a bunch of pals shooting the shit with a variety of guests. Sometimes they do bits, sometimes shit gets real, and sometimes they force themselves to fake laugh and it turns into the most beautiful conglomeration of real and fake laughs that the world has ever known. Plus it’s Tig Notaro, and who doesn’t love her?

Aaaaaaand that’s what I’ve been doing with all my time this year. Watching TV, listening to podcasts, and doing my nails. It’s the only way to maintain this killer bod! So tell me, what were your favorite discoveries in 2012?

F*ck the Halls, Just Deck the Doors

I love Christmastime. I’m a big ol’ sap for it. YES, THAT IS A TREE JOKE.

Even though I’m not as close-knit with my family as many others are, I tend to romanticize spending time with them over the holidays. Unfortunately, I’m not into decorating much. My laziness totally beats out my enthusiasm like some sort of rock-paper-scissors game where it’s enthusiasm instead of a rock and laziness instead of paper. Except there’s no third thing to balance them out, and it doesn’t totally make sense because wouldn’t you consider rocks to be lazier than paper? I mean, rocks just sit there. At least paper is useful.

So what solved my decorating dilemma? For the last few years, mom and dad have sent me a beautiful Christmas wreath to hang on my front door. I’ve decided this wreath is all the decoration I’ll ever need, and for a number of reasons.

5. It goes on the outside of the door, so there’s no mess inside the house! I don’t have to complain incessantly! At least not specifically about this!

4. It’s from mom and dad, so it makes me think of them.

3. These things last FOR. EVER.  Seriously, I think we finally got rid of it in like March last year. They’re like the Twinkies of the Christmas decoration world. This is doubly awesome because my aforementioned laziness prevents me from disposing of them promptly. Then again, who doesn’t love Christmas in July!

2. People who see my home only from the outside will notice the lovely wreath and assume my entire house is decorated perfectly and smells of sugar cookies and Christmas boners. Which is probably redundant because I imagine Christmas boners probably smell like sugar cookies.

1. In case you hadn’t noticed, my last name is Twigg. Technically, all I really need to do is keep myself decorated, which I do year ’round, y’all. YES, THAT IS ANOTHER TREE JOKE.

What are your favorite Christmas decorations?

Down with a Sickness

Dudes and lady dudes. The weather? I am under it.

I always feel slightly delirious when I get sick enough to be couch-ridden. I start contemplating what life will be like as a vegetable, which is kind of ironic because I typically don’t like vegetables and I’m super picky about the ones I eat. I mean, I like raw carrots but not cooked ones, and I like cooked asparagus but I don’t eat it raw. I like broccoli and cauliflower both ways, but now that I say that, it sounds kind of perverted so maybe forget I mentioned it.

Aaaaaaaaanyway, I’ve jotted down some of my thoughts over the last few days of misery. And by misery I mean slowly burying myself in an avalanche of tissues and despair.

  • Bathing is overrated! I hardly miss it.
  • What’s that smell?
  • If I could just relieve this congestion, I’d feel so much better!
  • If I could just stop my nose from running, I’d feel so much better!
  • If I could just get rid of this cough, I’d feel so much better!
  • If I could just get a complete respiratory system transplant but without having to have any actual surgery and just skip that whole part about taking drugs so that my body doesn’t reject it, I’d feel so much better!
  • Ahhhh, a little steam on my face feels really OH GOD MY NOSTRILS ARE SEARED
  • I bet seared nostrils are considered a delicacy somewhere in the world.

Know what? That’s probably enough for now. I should get back to my Mucinetflix.

Gravy Training

Despite her children being in their 30′s, our mom is constantly dishing out the kind of advice that should be reserved for kindergarteners. This habit combined with the her being the meekest among us makes her an easy target for teasing. That is, until she becomes a moving target.

Every year at Thanksgiving dinner, we have delicious homemade gravy. And every year, Mom pours that gravy into a lovely white gravy boat on a lovely white gravy boat plate. And every year, when she picks up the plate to pass it to the person next to her, she reminds us to be careful because the gravy boat is not attached. And it’s the same for the next person. And the next person. And the person after that. And the dog. And the neighbors. And the mayor. And THE GRAVY BOAT IS NOT. FRICKING. ATTACHED. YOU GUYS.

Like any loving family should, we tease her mercilessly over this. Nowadays, we beat her to the punch, loudly and repeatedly reminding the table that the gravy boat is NOT ATTACHED, no matter who is doing the passing or receiving. But do you wanna know the funny thing? Regardless of who is doing the reminding, the effect is the same: we know to handle that boat with care.

By Thanksgiving Day of 2011, the dining room tables had turned. The gravy hardly got passed even once before Mom suddenly burst out giggling. When she finally caught her breath, she proudly explained that she had just pranked us — by using sticky tack to ATTACH THE GRAVY BOAT TO THE GRAVY BOAT PLATE.

Turns out? Sticky tack melts under gravy-serving temperature, which ultimately taught Mom a tougher, gummier lesson than the rest of us when it came time to do the dishes. I’d like to say the joke was on her, but let’s be honest: the rest of us learned a lesson that day, and it was one we will never, ever forget.

And that? That’s something I’m thankful for.

Double Exposure Debacle

Remember that time I put on a perfectly nice dress in the morning and by the time I got to work it had shifted so far down my front that if not for the fluffy scarf I blissfully and ignorantly threw on, probably while whistling, I would have revealed not only too much cleavage but my ENTIRE RACK at my place of work and probably would have gotten arrested for indecent exposure and (let’s face it, with these puppies) public endangerment?

Oh, you don’t remember that? Funny, because it JUST. HAPPENED. YESTERDAY.

But don’t worry, I’m what Erykah Badu would call a bag lady (though I’m not sure someone who changed their last name to BAH-DOO on purpose really gets to call OTHER PEOPLE names) so I carry a work bag fully stocked with all sorts of contraptions for corralling my gazongas when they try to escape. Within 5 minutes of recognizing the problem, I was well on my way to solving it with these five easy steps:

  1. Curse fashion.
  2. Remember you keep a small tin of fashion tape in your work bag, because sometimes you’re a genius.
  3. Stop congratulating yourself and APPLY THE DAMN FASHION TAPE ALREADY.
  4. Hope and pray that no one saw you doing this at your desk just now because whoops.
  5. Periodically check the adhesive throughout the day to ensure that it remains intact.

SPOILER ALERT: It does. Crisis averted. This time.

Day of Giving: The Case Against Charity?

I have a bone to pick with charity.

It all started with delightful Pittsburgh blogger Ginny Montanez over at That’s Church. That woman is a down-right do-gooder. I mean this in the most flattering way possible, of course. She supports a number of causes and urges her readers to do the same, offering hilariously awesome incentives when goals are reached. One project, Make Room for Kids, provides sick children with gaming systems, iPads, and other entertainment devices. Ginny has helped raise tens of thousands of dollars for the cause.

As I read her updates, I started second-guessing its purpose. I mean, I get it. I understand why it’s nice for hospitalized kids to have access to an XBOX or a handheld gaming system. But I couldn’t help but wonder about kids who are much worse off — kids who don’t have insurance or whose families are struggling to stay afloat to pay for treatment.

I chatted with friends about how ridiculous it is to be buying iPads for some children when others can’t even afford medication or visits to the doctor. I thought, “What a skewed perspective! These people are so fixated on solving a first world problem that they have now become one!”

But then… well… I slowly turned the lens on myself.

The Human Rights Campaign, an organization striving toward equal rights for all LGBT Americans, is a very personal cause to me. And if someone were to tell me there are people in the world who are worse off and I should be helping them first, well… I’d wonder just who the hell they think they are. I donate to causes that mean something to me! HOW DARE THEY ASSERT THEIR OPINIONS ON ME WHEN – 

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

That’s all Ginny is doing. She supports causes that speak to her. And so should you and everyone else in the world, because hell, we can’t solve even ONE of the world’s problems in a day, so we might as well tackle them together, all at once. I mean, when you get down to it, we’re all on the same team. We just can’t all play the same position at once.

In addition to national charities, I want to give back more locally. And let’s face it, Pittsburgh. Is. Awesome. It turns out there’s no better time to kick off that support than tomorrow, October 3, which is Pittsburgh’s Day of Giving. On this special day, Allegheny County matches up to $750,000 for eligible organizations.

I chose the Children’s Home of Pittsburgh. This might surprise those who know me well and have heard me talk AD NAUSEAM about how I don’t want kids. But the other side of that belief is that I feel very strongly about considering adoption over raising biological children. And I can at least throw some money at that problem, right?

I highly recommend that you find a cause that you believe in and use the Day of Giving as an opportunity to make your gift count even more. In the spirit of do-gooding, I promise not to judge your charity of choice.

Much.

Forwarding a Dress

Fall is one of my favorite times of year because LAYERS, EVERYONE. And you know what the best part is? You don’t even need to go shopping! You can take all those cute little dresses you wore all summer and turn them into perfect little autumn ensembles.

Here are some of my favorite summer looks converted for the cooler months.

Indigo Girl
I love this Lane Bryant dress because it’s jersey, so my bits rest comfortably in it. The shoes (Madden Girl) aren’t too cruel, either. The coral belt I personally own is a wide one, but I like the skinny look, too. And of course, BANGLES.

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So if we add a blazer and a scarf, throw in some tights and rich suede wedges… Voilà!

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Funky Fresh Floral
This floral number from Torrid was my go-to for the spring/summer of 2012. I loved it so much I that a bought a backup! All I had to do was throw on some boots and jewelry and I was all set, day or night. The octopus necklace is from Pageboy in Lawrenceville. They have a HUGE selection of similar items and I highly recommend stopping in.

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The black lace jacket and red belt below are also Torrid. I don’t own the shoes that are pictured, but they capture the essence of the black heels I’d wear with this. I’d probably slip on a chunky ring of some sort with this getup, too. And then there’s my signature — the brightly colored tights.

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The cold weather is coming, y’all! I CAN SMELL IT.