Double Exposure Debacle

Remember that time I put on a perfectly nice dress in the morning and by the time I got to work it had shifted so far down my front that if not for the fluffy scarf I blissfully and ignorantly threw on, probably while whistling, I would have revealed not only too much cleavage but my ENTIRE RACK at my place of work and probably would have gotten arrested for indecent exposure and (let’s face it, with these puppies) public endangerment?

Oh, you don’t remember that? Funny, because it JUST. HAPPENED. YESTERDAY.

But don’t worry, I’m what Erykah Badu would call a bag lady (though I’m not sure someone who changed their last name to BAH-DOO on purpose really gets to call OTHER PEOPLE names) so I carry a work bag fully stocked with all sorts of contraptions for corralling my gazongas when they try to escape. Within 5 minutes of recognizing the problem, I was well on my way to solving it with these five easy steps:

  1. Curse fashion.
  2. Remember you keep a small tin of fashion tape in your work bag, because sometimes you’re a genius.
  3. Stop congratulating yourself and APPLY THE DAMN FASHION TAPE ALREADY.
  4. Hope and pray that no one saw you doing this at your desk just now because whoops.
  5. Periodically check the adhesive throughout the day to ensure that it remains intact.

SPOILER ALERT: It does. Crisis averted. This time.

Forwarding a Dress

Fall is one of my favorite times of year because LAYERS, EVERYONE. And you know what the best part is? You don’t even need to go shopping! You can take all those cute little dresses you wore all summer and turn them into perfect little autumn ensembles.

Here are some of my favorite summer looks converted for the cooler months.

Indigo Girl
I love this Lane Bryant dress because it’s jersey, so my bits rest comfortably in it. The shoes (Madden Girl) aren’t too cruel, either. The coral belt I personally own is a wide one, but I like the skinny look, too. And of course, BANGLES.

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So if we add a blazer and a scarf, throw in some tights and rich suede wedges… Voilà!

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Funky Fresh Floral
This floral number from Torrid was my go-to for the spring/summer of 2012. I loved it so much I that a bought a backup! All I had to do was throw on some boots and jewelry and I was all set, day or night. The octopus necklace is from Pageboy in Lawrenceville. They have a HUGE selection of similar items and I highly recommend stopping in.

(Click to enlarge)

The black lace jacket and red belt below are also Torrid. I don’t own the shoes that are pictured, but they capture the essence of the black heels I’d wear with this. I’d probably slip on a chunky ring of some sort with this getup, too. And then there’s my signature — the brightly colored tights.

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The cold weather is coming, y’all! I CAN SMELL IT.

 

Accessories: A Touch of Midas

My last post was a little on the heavy side. Let’s lighten things up a bit with some fashion, shall we?

I recently attended the wedding of a close friend and wanted to look especially spectacular, as I would be acting as pro bono DJ of sorts.

Not THAT kind of Bono. Ew.

I knew I wanted to show off my little indigo one-sleeve number from Forever 21, but I kept flip-flopping on what accessories would work best. That dress makes me feel like a goddess, so I decided to just roll with that theme and go bold with GOLD.

Shoes by Carlos Santana (yes, THAT Santana): ~$50 on clearance at Macy’s
Gladiator ring: $20 at NYC flea market
Bracelet: ~$15 at Lane Bryant
Belt: ~$20 at Torrid

I won’t lie, the shoes were KILLING me by the end of the night. But I’m a smart girl who takes her own advice, so I had a pair of flats to change into — gold ones to match my get-up, OF COURSE.

Like a real professional, I completely failed to get a decent snapshot of me actually wearing the ensemble, so this is the best I can do.

Naturally, it was taken at the tail end of the night,
when I was definitely at my freshest!

I’m guilty of cropping out the guys, but my legs were never in the shot to begin with so you *MIDAS WELL believe me that the shoes looked fabulous.

*See what I did there? You did?  Yeah, sorry. They can’t all be gold.

Fur Your Consideration

On my last trip to New York I made my first fur purchase ever. I don’t even know if it’s real. I found it at a flea market. Classy, I KNOW. But it’s in beautiful shape, it was only $60, and it doesn’t have an odor (always a plus), so I went for it.

Besides, I have always wanted a fur muff.

INSERT JOKE HERE.

Problem is, this didn’t happen without a few pangs of guilt. I’ve never purchased real fur (to my knowledge), and would never go to a retail store to buy a new fur item. Too much for my conscience and my pocketbook.

That’s odd… who the f*ck still says pocketbook?

So I have to ask myself: how is this different from buying leather products? Or eating meat? Aren’t the reasons for banning those things pretty much the same as for boycotting fur? This b*tch loves her a hamburger, and if you’ve been to my house you’ve seen the shrine of leather pumps piled from floor to ceiling. So where does this guilt about fur come from?

PETA tits. It comes from PETA tits.

One could argue that you need shoes and food to live, but you don’t need frivolous items like fur. But by the same logic, you don’t need meat and leather in your diet or wardrobe. There are alternatives.

I have a number of friends who are vegan or vegetarian, and they all have their own unique reasons. Animal cruelty, health, just plain picky eating… and those are just the ones I know about. I guess what I’m saying is everyone has their causes and my list just doesn’t happen to include a ban on fur.

There’s simply no room for it, what with my campaign to outlaw slow walking on city sidewalks.

So that, my friends, is how I rationalized buying a vintage fur muff from an old Asian man with very few teeth at a New York City flea market.

Fall Favorites

First style post, wheeeeeeeeee! What do you wear when all your Halloween themed denim jumpers are in the wash (I’m lookin’ at you, third grade teachers)? It doesn’t matter much as long as you accessorize well. Here are what I consider to be staples for your fall wardrobe. Ready go!

1. Scarves. If you were stranded on a desert island and could only have one accessory, it should be a scarf (no utility belts, that’s cheating). My personal favorite right now is this Old Navy infinity scarf for about $15. This bright red hue is a compliment waiting — no, begging to happen.

 


2. Boots. 
They are a must. I’m a fatty, so finding something to fit my calves is a real challenge. Speaking of which, did they ever use that as a challenge on Biggest Loser? Anyway, the Zodiac Plies boot from DSW online is comfortable, stylish, versatile, and if they could talk I’m sure they’d be humble, too. Originally $170 down to $60! GO NOW.



3. Jackets.
So jackets maybe aren’t so much an “accessory.” JUST GO WITH IT. This one from Fashion Bug (I KNOW, RIGHT?) is hovering around $50, so keep your eyes peeled for sales. A structured jacket like this is an obvious mate for jeans, but I’ve already worn it with this dress (from Torrid) and the brown version of the Zodiac boot. Oh did I mention that was with colored tights? BOOM.

 

4. Tights. Speaking of tights, WHERE MY LADIES AT? In my opinion (and it’s the one that counts, check the url), a girl can never have too many varieties of tights. Solid tights, patterned tights, textured tights, I WANT THEM ALL. Where do I get them? Primarily from WeLoveColors.com.

They carry tights for fatties in all the same colors as they do for skinny b*tches! They have some cheaper ones for $9, but I tend to go for the $15 option. I think they are less susceptible to unwanted stretching. Added bonus: $5 flat shipping fee. 


Yeah, you love colors. WE FRIGGIN’ GET IT ALREADY.

 

There you have it, my picks for the fall of 2011. What are your favorite items for this time of year? Leave ‘em in the comments! I’M COUNTING ON YOU.