Best Shit Ever: 2012 Edition

It’s that time of year again when self-important bloggers everywhere make lists of their favorite things from the past year for you to “ooh” and “ahh” about. I’m certainly not above it.

Here’s a collection of things I recommend that I had the pleasure of discovering just this year despite the fact that some of them have been around longer. What can I say? I’ve never been a cool kid.

Cards Against Humanity: A Party Game for Horrible People
When a friend described this game as a filthy version of Apples to Apples, I knew I had to have it. I purchased the official card pack, but they do have a free downloadable version online! Warning: It is not suitable for your kids. Or your parents.

Your Away Message Twitter Parody Account
Sometimes it feels like watching from afar as that sorority girl you sorta knew in college went through an embarrassing public breakup. Other times it’s as if you’re going back through your OWN instant messenger history. Nostalgia-laugh headache!

Fashion to Figure Trendy Clothes for Fatties
I have gotten more compliments on the dresses I’ve purchased here than ANY other store. They have plenty of modern stuff, but I’ve found some great classic dresses that are perfect for work or a night on the town.

British TV series Misfits On Hulu+
The first two seasons of this are some of the best television I’ve ever seen. Described as a sci-fi comedy drama, this shit had me in stitches every episode. The incredible characters are brought to life by a truly talented cast, and the soundtrack is so good I was compelled to create a Spotify playlist for it. Do yourself a favor and add it to that long list of shows you need to watch.

Sephora Bain Dissolvent Express Instant Nail Polish Remover
Small bottle, big difference. It feels smoother, smells nicer, and works better. I now hate using any other kind of polish remover.

Podcasts
Naturally, I’m quite enamored with my own podcast. SHOCKER. But there are so many other good ones out there! I really dig You Had to Be There with Sarah Schaefer and Nikki Glaser and of course RadioLab is always riveting (and no, I don’t care if you don’t count it as a podcast). But my absolute favorite this year has been Professor Blastoff. It’s basically just a bunch of pals shooting the shit with a variety of guests. Sometimes they do bits, sometimes shit gets real, and sometimes they force themselves to fake laugh and it turns into the most beautiful conglomeration of real and fake laughs that the world has ever known. Plus it’s Tig Notaro, and who doesn’t love her?

Aaaaaaand that’s what I’ve been doing with all my time this year. Watching TV, listening to podcasts, and doing my nails. It’s the only way to maintain this killer bod! So tell me, what were your favorite discoveries in 2012?

Podcast Episode 3: Love Your Body Day (Fabulous Junk)

This episode’s guest proves that the third time’s the charm. Last year she introduced me to Love Your Body Day. Let’s talk about our hot bods!

Or listen on iTunes if you prefer!

Intro
Warm welcome to Robin Hitchcock of hitchdied.com! She’s a brilliant writer and an inspiration to me personally in MANY ways, including blogging and podcasting!

03:11 Pod Pourri
- It’s Love Your Body Day!
- Some listeners sent in thoughts about their own bodies. Others had theirs shared involuntarily…
- Robin and I talk about what makes us such hotties.

27:35 If I Were You
- Segment jingle REMIX!
- The Great Cupcake Comment Debacle of 2012
- BREAKING: THERE ARE FATTIES IN THE WORLD
- Another awkward advice song!

48:14 Games People Play
- New segment! I heart games.
- Robin is the trivia QUEEN, but I manage to stump her.

54:47 Outro
- Visit Robin’s website (where her podcast lives!) and follow her on Twitter.
- You should vote, but only if you agree with my political views. Just kidding! (Sort of.)

BONUS
Some folks submitted their thoughts for discussion on the podcast, but our pal Vicki didn’t make it on the air so I wanted to include her thoughts here. When asked what she loves about her body, she says:

1.) My boobs. They are convenient.  They are the right size for my body.  I can wear the crappiest sports bra from Target and it is fine, and I can go running without my boobs hurting. I can wear those wonderful built in bra shirts.  They seem symmetrical enough!  I never have to worry about them popping out.  I never have to use “boob tape.” I can sometimes get away without even wearing a bra.  I never feel like they are too small.  I love them.  They are the best!
 
2.) My lips.  By default they are a pretty red, no lipstick needed.  I didn’t even realize this was a thing until a friend pointed out how much she envied my lips.  Since then I have appreciated that I basically only have to wear chapstick for them to look nice.
 
3.) My back.  I always think it looks sexy in backless dresses.

 

Those are some PRIT-TEE awesome things to love about your body, Vicki. Rock on. What about the rest of you? Leave ‘em in the comments!

Forwarding a Dress

Fall is one of my favorite times of year because LAYERS, EVERYONE. And you know what the best part is? You don’t even need to go shopping! You can take all those cute little dresses you wore all summer and turn them into perfect little autumn ensembles.

Here are some of my favorite summer looks converted for the cooler months.

Indigo Girl
I love this Lane Bryant dress because it’s jersey, so my bits rest comfortably in it. The shoes (Madden Girl) aren’t too cruel, either. The coral belt I personally own is a wide one, but I like the skinny look, too. And of course, BANGLES.

(Click to enlarge)

So if we add a blazer and a scarf, throw in some tights and rich suede wedges… Voilà!

 (Click to enlarge)

Funky Fresh Floral
This floral number from Torrid was my go-to for the spring/summer of 2012. I loved it so much I that a bought a backup! All I had to do was throw on some boots and jewelry and I was all set, day or night. The octopus necklace is from Pageboy in Lawrenceville. They have a HUGE selection of similar items and I highly recommend stopping in.

(Click to enlarge)

The black lace jacket and red belt below are also Torrid. I don’t own the shoes that are pictured, but they capture the essence of the black heels I’d wear with this. I’d probably slip on a chunky ring of some sort with this getup, too. And then there’s my signature — the brightly colored tights.

 (Click to enlarge)

The cold weather is coming, y’all! I CAN SMELL IT.

 

Accessories: A Touch of Midas

My last post was a little on the heavy side. Let’s lighten things up a bit with some fashion, shall we?

I recently attended the wedding of a close friend and wanted to look especially spectacular, as I would be acting as pro bono DJ of sorts.

Not THAT kind of Bono. Ew.

I knew I wanted to show off my little indigo one-sleeve number from Forever 21, but I kept flip-flopping on what accessories would work best. That dress makes me feel like a goddess, so I decided to just roll with that theme and go bold with GOLD.

Shoes by Carlos Santana (yes, THAT Santana): ~$50 on clearance at Macy’s
Gladiator ring: $20 at NYC flea market
Bracelet: ~$15 at Lane Bryant
Belt: ~$20 at Torrid

I won’t lie, the shoes were KILLING me by the end of the night. But I’m a smart girl who takes her own advice, so I had a pair of flats to change into — gold ones to match my get-up, OF COURSE.

Like a real professional, I completely failed to get a decent snapshot of me actually wearing the ensemble, so this is the best I can do.

Naturally, it was taken at the tail end of the night,
when I was definitely at my freshest!

I’m guilty of cropping out the guys, but my legs were never in the shot to begin with so you *MIDAS WELL believe me that the shoes looked fabulous.

*See what I did there? You did?  Yeah, sorry. They can’t all be gold.

Spring in My Step

I cannot resist the shoe section when I visit a Target. I don’t always buy something, but I always want to. I was there with my bro recently when I spotted these beauties, and I got a WEE bit excited because I’ve been looking for a cute pair of nude heels in either patent leather or suede. These fit the bill juuuuuust right.

Target Women’s Mossimo Paisley Platform Pumps – Blush ($29.99)

Why yes, they ARE the same shade as my pale legs. Thanks for noticing. 

Here are the features I love best:
♥  Nude! Patent!
♥  Platform for the appearance of greater height without the pain
♥  Pop of color on the platform
♥  Strap across the top to prevent slippage

That’s such a sterile photo, though. Let’s get these babies dirty*, shall we?

I love instagram! Mostly because the right effect
can perfectly mask my quarter-inch long leg hair.

And, since it’s hard to see the heel in the above photo (and because I’m a narcissistic em-effer), here is less springy but far leggier shot:

I won’t lie — they’re a little higher than I’m used to, even with the platform. But they have decent padding and honestly, JUST LOOK AT THEM.

*No shoes were dirtied in the making of this post.

Why I’m Mad At Madge

I’m mad at Madonna.

No, it’s not because of her ridiculous fake accent. Or the snotty comment about Mother Monster. It’s not the fact that at 53, she’s more fit than I’ve ever been. You guys, it’s not even how blatantly boring and unimaginative her recent single is. Nope.

It’s her face. It’s her sunken-cheeked, tautly-pulled, creepishly glossy ol’ mug.

When I was little, Madge was untouchable. Zero f*cks were given about others’ opinions of her. As an artist, she did what she wanted and offended on purpose — even her fans, and unapologetically. She wrote a whole song about how she’s not sorry. On American Bandstand, she famously told Dick Clark she wanted to rule the world, stating, ”I think I’ve always had a lot of confidence in myself.”

And “confidence” is still the first word that comes to mind these days!
Right after “No.”

Our parents once made us cut up a CD of hers because it was too suggestive. Yes, we literally cut it up with scissors. And now that’s what surgeons do TO HER FACE.

I resent the notion that men get better with age but women have to fight to stay young-looking, and it disappoints me that Madonna succumbs to that crap. Idiots like Heidi Montag don’t surprise me, but that’s because they’re idiots. I suppose I held the Queen of Pop to a higher standard, perhaps because she seems like such a health nut. And true health nuts don’t implant themselves with foreign objects and chemicals… right?

Cosmetic surgery has become so common that I could probably learn to forgive a nip or a tuck here and there — but have you seen her cheekbones? It’s like they got jealous of her kneecaps and overcompensated for it. That’s not just a nip/tuck, that’s a whole season of it on DVD.

You know where this will eventually lead, right?

‘Cept glowier. Probably.

To me, the biggest letdown is seeing a woman I once thought was practically invincible to the world’s standards of beauty suddenly bowing down to them. Those unruly eyebrows! That gap between her two front teeth! She wasn’t just ahead of the curve, she was setting it.

The Material Girl’s penchant for “pushing the envelope” (to use her own words) seems at odds with giving in to peer pressure on a matter as heavy as cosmetic surgery. But it looks like the only envelope she’s pushing these days is one filled with cash, toward her plastic surgeon.

I wonder if she knows he’s not REALLY a doctor…

It’s like Madame says. “Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly is all the way to the bone.” And that goes triple for the ones in Madonna’s cheeks.

Head to Toe: A Gal’s Guide to Being Socially Acceptable (Maybe Even Desirable)

I’m tired. I’m only 32 years old and I am overwhelmed by maintenance. It is hard being a girl if you want to be considered socially acceptable, let alone desirable. And even if you have your bodily sh*t together (okay fine, not the best turn of phrase), what about your lawn or your car or that leaky something-or-other you swore you’d fix when you moved in or YOUR KID? None of it will maintain itself. It is, I’m realizing, our purpose in life to just keep maintaining sh*t little by little until we die.

And can I just say I am SO OVER showering daily? Unfortunately, showing up in the office looking like I’m on the run from zombies isn’t the best career strategy, so I at least shower before work.

But if you must run from zombies, sleeping with
the boss is a valid strategy.

What follows is, from head to toe, a collection of things women are assumed or expected to do to our bodies in order to be seen/heard/smelled in public. By all means, feel free to add to it. Our culture has been doing so for centuries!

If we’re being good little girls, we will show up to work/happy hour/dates/parties with all of these things accomplished. I have to admit I’ve never had my ears pierced or dyed my hair, but I’ve felt pressured to do both. Also, I am [ahem] slightly behind schedule in my hair removal routine. What do you want from me? It’s frickin’ January, people.

At some point in my life, I have felt pressured to do every single thing on this list. And ladies? I. Am. EXHAUSTED.

Yep, seems about right. Especially the sound effects.

So, I’ve taken the liberty of drawing up what I believe to be a slightly more accurate depiction. At the very least, it’s closer to what goes on in my own head.

What about you? Which part of your daily/weekly/monthly routine do you find most irritating? What can you think of that I am forgetting (or maybe just in complete denial about)?

Get a Leg Up

I know for a fact I’m not the only woman in America who boycotts leg-shaving the second the temperature drops below 70 degrees. It’s not just because I’m excited to wear cute tights (because let’s face it, full-leg argyle tattoos might be a smidge over the line). It’s because once the weather cools, I develop epic itchy/dry skin on my legs.

Don’t believe me? Here is a clip from the movie Cabin Fever clip of me shaving last winter:

For the last couple winters, shaving my legs has been torture. Actually, it’s notsamuch the shaving as it is the effects of the shaving. I could moisturize until I start sweating cocoa butter but nothing would stop the itching. It would actually keep me awake at night.

Well, not anymore, ladies! I have unlocked the secret formula to smooth, non-itchy legs in winter. And much to my surprise, moisturizing wasn’t the key ingredient. Are you ready for this?

Wow, you’re about to be very dis… appointed.

1. Sugar scrub. That’s right, I have learned that I have to exfoliate the sh*t out of my legs to prevent itching. Let me rephrase that: I have to rigorously scrape off layers of my own skin in order to prevent skin irritation. F*cking bodies, how do they work? I personally trust Tree Hut Body Scrub ($7.49 at Ulta) to get the job done. I love it so much I recently purchased a pack of 3 on Amazon. It’s a sickness, really.

2. Lube. I use shaving lotion — NOT cream — to grease up the ol’ gams. My Pure Romance consultant, Julia, would be so proud to know that I swear by their Coochy product for this. Bonus: you can also use it as hair conditioner.

3. Moisturize. DUH. Tree Hut makes lotion to match the sugar scrub scents, so that’s what I’ve been using. I haven’t found a body lotion that blew my mind since Benefit discontinued their Touch Me Then Try to Leave… Cream, which was smooth like butter and smelled ever so faintly of unicorn kisses. So if you have a body lotion you love, DO TELL.

What are the key parts of your leg hair removal regimen?

Love Your Body Day: Fashionably Late

Pssst! You should check out what my pal Robin had to say on this topic over at HitchDied! She’s the only reason I even knew this was a thing! This post is part of the 2011 Love Your Body Day Blog Carnival.

October 19th was Love Your Body Day Blog Carnival and I completely missed it. Darned if I won’t blog about it, though! Just try and stop me! Except don’t, because I like to talk about myself. You know this.

Let’s get the obvious out of the way: I love my boobs. I love my big, voluptuous, cup-runneth-over ta-tas. I love how bangin’ they look in dresses, in t-shirts, and in my husband’s hands. They. Are. Magnificent.

Now for the less obvious: I love the gap between my teeth. To be honest, I hated it when I was a kid. But I’m glad I didn’t let the dentist fix it because it’s a big part of who I am now. Strangers walk up to me occasionally just to tell me they love it.  You can always tell if I have taken a bite of your apple. And I should probably mention it happens to be the first thing Joe noticed about me. Well, after the boobs anyway.

I love my legs and how strong they are. They have to be to carry around this trunk o’junk! I love using them to make silly dance moves, especially at weddings. I love how long they look in a hot pair of stilettos and how shapely they look in a cute pair of boots. I love that my mom’s favorite photos from our wedding are the ones where my legs are showing. I get my legs from her, and she has great legs despite being a shorty like me.

I love my ears and my vocal chords because they work together to make me a singer. I love my rosy cheeks and golden-brown hair. You guys, I LOVE my bangs! I love painting my toenails on my cute little feet.  I love dressing to accentuate all my good parts, instead of dressing to hide my flaws. Don’t let anyone convince you those are one in the same.

I love my body even though it’s not what the media tells me it should be. Ladies, it is especially important for us to love ourselves in a world where not only are models unrealistically skinny, but their already impossible standards are then Photoshopped beyond oblivion. Me? I’m invincible to that sh*t. Besides, of the two ladies pictured below, who do you think looks happier? Yeah, thought so.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Right hand photo by Lou Stein

So tell me: what do you love about your body?

 

 

 

All That Glitters

I’m picky about perfume. I don’t want to smell like a teenager, an old hag, or desperation. I used to wear Sarah Jessica Parker’s Endless, but those ironic a-holes discontinued it. I think it’s back now, but I’m not done with my tantrum yet. Is expecting a personal apology from SJP unrealistic?

Sephora helped me choose a new scent with a magical book that tells you what your future will smell like. Mine, surprisingly, was not Diet Dr. Pepper and steak farts.

After testing a couple bottles, I went with Ralph by Ralph Lauren and was delighted to find that it had a matching lotion. Take THAT, Sarah! Yeah, that’s right. I dropped the Jessica Parker. 

Not so fast, though. My buzz was totally killed the first time I used the lotion. I was aghast to find it contained glitter. GLITTER. I am talking about teeny tiny shiny colorful sparkling pieces of bullsh*t on my (young but still) adult body with no Halloween costume to justify it.

Like any other (heteronormative, first world-dwelling) girl, I have a special place in my heart for glitter. But once you reach high school — ok, maybe college — there becomes such a thing as TOO MUCH FRACKING GLITTER.

That goes double for you, Mimi.

I convinced myself that it was pointless to waste a perfectly good scented lotion. I immediately regretted that decision when the travel size bottle I kept in my work bag ‘sploded. I’m guessing the only other human ever to witness such horror is the doctor who performed Mariah Carey’s C-Section.

I’m starting to think what happened with my bag wasn’t an accident. How far reaching do you guys think SJP’s influence is?