Best Shit Ever: 2012 Edition

It’s that time of year again when self-important bloggers everywhere make lists of their favorite things from the past year for you to “ooh” and “ahh” about. I’m certainly not above it.

Here’s a collection of things I recommend that I had the pleasure of discovering just this year despite the fact that some of them have been around longer. What can I say? I’ve never been a cool kid.

Cards Against Humanity: A Party Game for Horrible People
When a friend described this game as a filthy version of Apples to Apples, I knew I had to have it. I purchased the official card pack, but they do have a free downloadable version online! Warning: It is not suitable for your kids. Or your parents.

Your Away Message Twitter Parody Account
Sometimes it feels like watching from afar as that sorority girl you sorta knew in college went through an embarrassing public breakup. Other times it’s as if you’re going back through your OWN instant messenger history. Nostalgia-laugh headache!

Fashion to Figure Trendy Clothes for Fatties
I have gotten more compliments on the dresses I’ve purchased here than ANY other store. They have plenty of modern stuff, but I’ve found some great classic dresses that are perfect for work or a night on the town.

British TV series Misfits On Hulu+
The first two seasons of this are some of the best television I’ve ever seen. Described as a sci-fi comedy drama, this shit had me in stitches every episode. The incredible characters are brought to life by a truly talented cast, and the soundtrack is so good I was compelled to create a Spotify playlist for it. Do yourself a favor and add it to that long list of shows you need to watch.

Sephora Bain Dissolvent Express Instant Nail Polish Remover
Small bottle, big difference. It feels smoother, smells nicer, and works better. I now hate using any other kind of polish remover.

Podcasts
Naturally, I’m quite enamored with my own podcast. SHOCKER. But there are so many other good ones out there! I really dig You Had to Be There with Sarah Schaefer and Nikki Glaser and of course RadioLab is always riveting (and no, I don’t care if you don’t count it as a podcast). But my absolute favorite this year has been Professor Blastoff. It’s basically just a bunch of pals shooting the shit with a variety of guests. Sometimes they do bits, sometimes shit gets real, and sometimes they force themselves to fake laugh and it turns into the most beautiful conglomeration of real and fake laughs that the world has ever known. Plus it’s Tig Notaro, and who doesn’t love her?

Aaaaaaand that’s what I’ve been doing with all my time this year. Watching TV, listening to podcasts, and doing my nails. It’s the only way to maintain this killer bod! So tell me, what were your favorite discoveries in 2012?

Double Exposure Debacle

Remember that time I put on a perfectly nice dress in the morning and by the time I got to work it had shifted so far down my front that if not for the fluffy scarf I blissfully and ignorantly threw on, probably while whistling, I would have revealed not only too much cleavage but my ENTIRE RACK at my place of work and probably would have gotten arrested for indecent exposure and (let’s face it, with these puppies) public endangerment?

Oh, you don’t remember that? Funny, because it JUST. HAPPENED. YESTERDAY.

But don’t worry, I’m what Erykah Badu would call a bag lady (though I’m not sure someone who changed their last name to BAH-DOO on purpose really gets to call OTHER PEOPLE names) so I carry a work bag fully stocked with all sorts of contraptions for corralling my gazongas when they try to escape. Within 5 minutes of recognizing the problem, I was well on my way to solving it with these five easy steps:

  1. Curse fashion.
  2. Remember you keep a small tin of fashion tape in your work bag, because sometimes you’re a genius.
  3. Stop congratulating yourself and APPLY THE DAMN FASHION TAPE ALREADY.
  4. Hope and pray that no one saw you doing this at your desk just now because whoops.
  5. Periodically check the adhesive throughout the day to ensure that it remains intact.

SPOILER ALERT: It does. Crisis averted. This time.

Forwarding a Dress

Fall is one of my favorite times of year because LAYERS, EVERYONE. And you know what the best part is? You don’t even need to go shopping! You can take all those cute little dresses you wore all summer and turn them into perfect little autumn ensembles.

Here are some of my favorite summer looks converted for the cooler months.

Indigo Girl
I love this Lane Bryant dress because it’s jersey, so my bits rest comfortably in it. The shoes (Madden Girl) aren’t too cruel, either. The coral belt I personally own is a wide one, but I like the skinny look, too. And of course, BANGLES.

(Click to enlarge)

So if we add a blazer and a scarf, throw in some tights and rich suede wedges… Voilà!

 (Click to enlarge)

Funky Fresh Floral
This floral number from Torrid was my go-to for the spring/summer of 2012. I loved it so much I that a bought a backup! All I had to do was throw on some boots and jewelry and I was all set, day or night. The octopus necklace is from Pageboy in Lawrenceville. They have a HUGE selection of similar items and I highly recommend stopping in.

(Click to enlarge)

The black lace jacket and red belt below are also Torrid. I don’t own the shoes that are pictured, but they capture the essence of the black heels I’d wear with this. I’d probably slip on a chunky ring of some sort with this getup, too. And then there’s my signature — the brightly colored tights.

 (Click to enlarge)

The cold weather is coming, y’all! I CAN SMELL IT.

 

Accessories: A Touch of Midas

My last post was a little on the heavy side. Let’s lighten things up a bit with some fashion, shall we?

I recently attended the wedding of a close friend and wanted to look especially spectacular, as I would be acting as pro bono DJ of sorts.

Not THAT kind of Bono. Ew.

I knew I wanted to show off my little indigo one-sleeve number from Forever 21, but I kept flip-flopping on what accessories would work best. That dress makes me feel like a goddess, so I decided to just roll with that theme and go bold with GOLD.

Shoes by Carlos Santana (yes, THAT Santana): ~$50 on clearance at Macy’s
Gladiator ring: $20 at NYC flea market
Bracelet: ~$15 at Lane Bryant
Belt: ~$20 at Torrid

I won’t lie, the shoes were KILLING me by the end of the night. But I’m a smart girl who takes her own advice, so I had a pair of flats to change into — gold ones to match my get-up, OF COURSE.

Like a real professional, I completely failed to get a decent snapshot of me actually wearing the ensemble, so this is the best I can do.

Naturally, it was taken at the tail end of the night,
when I was definitely at my freshest!

I’m guilty of cropping out the guys, but my legs were never in the shot to begin with so you *MIDAS WELL believe me that the shoes looked fabulous.

*See what I did there? You did?  Yeah, sorry. They can’t all be gold.

Spring in My Step

I cannot resist the shoe section when I visit a Target. I don’t always buy something, but I always want to. I was there with my bro recently when I spotted these beauties, and I got a WEE bit excited because I’ve been looking for a cute pair of nude heels in either patent leather or suede. These fit the bill juuuuuust right.

Target Women’s Mossimo Paisley Platform Pumps – Blush ($29.99)

Why yes, they ARE the same shade as my pale legs. Thanks for noticing. 

Here are the features I love best:
♥  Nude! Patent!
♥  Platform for the appearance of greater height without the pain
♥  Pop of color on the platform
♥  Strap across the top to prevent slippage

That’s such a sterile photo, though. Let’s get these babies dirty*, shall we?

I love instagram! Mostly because the right effect
can perfectly mask my quarter-inch long leg hair.

And, since it’s hard to see the heel in the above photo (and because I’m a narcissistic em-effer), here is less springy but far leggier shot:

I won’t lie — they’re a little higher than I’m used to, even with the platform. But they have decent padding and honestly, JUST LOOK AT THEM.

*No shoes were dirtied in the making of this post.

Fur Your Consideration

On my last trip to New York I made my first fur purchase ever. I don’t even know if it’s real. I found it at a flea market. Classy, I KNOW. But it’s in beautiful shape, it was only $60, and it doesn’t have an odor (always a plus), so I went for it.

Besides, I have always wanted a fur muff.

INSERT JOKE HERE.

Problem is, this didn’t happen without a few pangs of guilt. I’ve never purchased real fur (to my knowledge), and would never go to a retail store to buy a new fur item. Too much for my conscience and my pocketbook.

That’s odd… who the f*ck still says pocketbook?

So I have to ask myself: how is this different from buying leather products? Or eating meat? Aren’t the reasons for banning those things pretty much the same as for boycotting fur? This b*tch loves her a hamburger, and if you’ve been to my house you’ve seen the shrine of leather pumps piled from floor to ceiling. So where does this guilt about fur come from?

PETA tits. It comes from PETA tits.

One could argue that you need shoes and food to live, but you don’t need frivolous items like fur. But by the same logic, you don’t need meat and leather in your diet or wardrobe. There are alternatives.

I have a number of friends who are vegan or vegetarian, and they all have their own unique reasons. Animal cruelty, health, just plain picky eating… and those are just the ones I know about. I guess what I’m saying is everyone has their causes and my list just doesn’t happen to include a ban on fur.

There’s simply no room for it, what with my campaign to outlaw slow walking on city sidewalks.

So that, my friends, is how I rationalized buying a vintage fur muff from an old Asian man with very few teeth at a New York City flea market.

Save Our Soles

My lovely friend Abby commented on my first shoe-porn post to ask if I had any tips for wearing heels. Here they are, in all their glory.

I don’t remember when my obsession with shoes began because it was before the memory part of my brain developed. Ok, I’m exaggerating (A LITTLE). As a kid, I could not get enough of my mom’s or her friends’ high heels. I was constantly sneaking into their closets to steal them, even into my pre-teen years.

That’s right. I ride bareback, b*tches. 

Now I’m 32 and my stamina just ain’t what it used to be. I’m not ready to give them up just yet, so I do what I can to make them as comfortable as possible. Here are my tips, in no particular order…

Shoe Structure
If you like ‘em high, look for something with a platform to give the illusion of height without the discomfort. I have several pairs like this that are far more comfortable than they look. For example, the shoe pictured here might look like a medieval torture device, but it is shockingly kind to my feet. I also recommend shoes with straps when possible. Your foot doesn’t have to work as hard to stay in the shoe. And yes, I am fully aware of how stupid that sentence is. Just go with it.

Padding
This is a no-brainer, but the kind of pads you buy might be a little tricky. I highly recommend the grippy rubber kind over the clear gel pads. Foot Petals are great for the ball of your foot because they add padding and grip. Buyer beware: the Target knockoffs fell apart under my feet. I mean, I know I’m a fatty but COME ON.

I also swear by heel liners, which help prevent blisters and keep your heel from slipping out of the shoe. I’ve put them in pretty much every pair of heels I own. You can find the Dr. Scholl’s version of these in drugstores. for ~$5.

Friction Reduction
A lot of brands make what you’d basically call chapstick for your feet. The Dr. Scholl’s version is called Rub Relief. You can find it in any drugstore. It reduces discomfort from friction and helps prevent blisters and other irritations. The only rub (HA!) is that it sorta, um, lubes up your feet? So depending on the shoe, you could find yourself sliding right out of them.

Backup Flats
Dr. Scholl’s makes Fast Flats, which you can also find in drugstores. I don’t own these, but a few of my friends do. They’re nice because they can roll up into a compact little ball in your purse. Wearing flats to commute is smart because it spares your feet and prevents unnecessary wear and tear on your pumps. When I have a gig, I often try to wear flats until the very last second before we go on.

Sitting Pretty
Have a seat. No, seriously, sit the f*ck down. This might seem stupid and/or obvious, but if you’re in killer heels and you know you might be on your feet a lot for an event, sit down anytime you get the chance. Even if just for a minute or two. At the bar, at the bus stop, WHEREVER. And while you’re down there? Streeeeeeeeetch those f*ckers.

Recovery
The best remedy I’ve found for relieving my feet post-heels is soaking them in a hot bath and massaging/stretching them. Or, you know, get your husband to do it…

In my experience, there is nothing you can do to eliminate discomfort 100%. No pain, no gain. Right ladies? For now, the pain is worth it to me. If you prefer, you could always opt for total comfort:


Personally, I think the mental anguish of
wearing these would make plantar fasciitis
look like a friggin’ picnic. 

What tips do you have for pampering your piggies?