Why I’m Mad At Madge

I’m mad at Madonna.

No, it’s not because of her ridiculous fake accent. Or the snotty comment about Mother Monster. It’s not the fact that at 53, she’s more fit than I’ve ever been. You guys, it’s not even how blatantly boring and unimaginative her recent single is. Nope.

It’s her face. It’s her sunken-cheeked, tautly-pulled, creepishly glossy ol’ mug.

When I was little, Madge was untouchable. Zero f*cks were given about others’ opinions of her. As an artist, she did what she wanted and offended on purpose — even her fans, and unapologetically. She wrote a whole song about how she’s not sorry. On American Bandstand, she famously told Dick Clark she wanted to rule the world, stating, ”I think I’ve always had a lot of confidence in myself.”

And “confidence” is still the first word that comes to mind these days!
Right after “No.”

Our parents once made us cut up a CD of hers because it was too suggestive. Yes, we literally cut it up with scissors. And now that’s what surgeons do TO HER FACE.

I resent the notion that men get better with age but women have to fight to stay young-looking, and it disappoints me that Madonna succumbs to that crap. Idiots like Heidi Montag don’t surprise me, but that’s because they’re idiots. I suppose I held the Queen of Pop to a higher standard, perhaps because she seems like such a health nut. And true health nuts don’t implant themselves with foreign objects and chemicals… right?

Cosmetic surgery has become so common that I could probably learn to forgive a nip or a tuck here and there — but have you seen her cheekbones? It’s like they got jealous of her kneecaps and overcompensated for it. That’s not just a nip/tuck, that’s a whole season of it on DVD.

You know where this will eventually lead, right?

‘Cept glowier. Probably.

To me, the biggest letdown is seeing a woman I once thought was practically invincible to the world’s standards of beauty suddenly bowing down to them. Those unruly eyebrows! That gap between her two front teeth! She wasn’t just ahead of the curve, she was setting it.

The Material Girl’s penchant for “pushing the envelope” (to use her own words) seems at odds with giving in to peer pressure on a matter as heavy as cosmetic surgery. But it looks like the only envelope she’s pushing these days is one filled with cash, toward her plastic surgeon.

I wonder if she knows he’s not REALLY a doctor…

It’s like Madame says. “Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly is all the way to the bone.” And that goes triple for the ones in Madonna’s cheeks.

Get a Leg Up

I know for a fact I’m not the only woman in America who boycotts leg-shaving the second the temperature drops below 70 degrees. It’s not just because I’m excited to wear cute tights (because let’s face it, full-leg argyle tattoos might be a smidge over the line). It’s because once the weather cools, I develop epic itchy/dry skin on my legs.

Don’t believe me? Here is a clip from the movie Cabin Fever clip of me shaving last winter:

For the last couple winters, shaving my legs has been torture. Actually, it’s notsamuch the shaving as it is the effects of the shaving. I could moisturize until I start sweating cocoa butter but nothing would stop the itching. It would actually keep me awake at night.

Well, not anymore, ladies! I have unlocked the secret formula to smooth, non-itchy legs in winter. And much to my surprise, moisturizing wasn’t the key ingredient. Are you ready for this?

Wow, you’re about to be very dis… appointed.

1. Sugar scrub. That’s right, I have learned that I have to exfoliate the sh*t out of my legs to prevent itching. Let me rephrase that: I have to rigorously scrape off layers of my own skin in order to prevent skin irritation. F*cking bodies, how do they work? I personally trust Tree Hut Body Scrub ($7.49 at Ulta) to get the job done. I love it so much I recently purchased a pack of 3 on Amazon. It’s a sickness, really.

2. Lube. I use shaving lotion — NOT cream — to grease up the ol’ gams. My Pure Romance consultant, Julia, would be so proud to know that I swear by their Coochy product for this. Bonus: you can also use it as hair conditioner.

3. Moisturize. DUH. Tree Hut makes lotion to match the sugar scrub scents, so that’s what I’ve been using. I haven’t found a body lotion that blew my mind since Benefit discontinued their Touch Me Then Try to Leave… Cream, which was smooth like butter and smelled ever so faintly of unicorn kisses. So if you have a body lotion you love, DO TELL.

What are the key parts of your leg hair removal regimen?