I’m mad at Madonna.

No, it’s not because of her ridiculous fake accent. Or the snotty comment about Mother Monster. It’s not the fact that at 53, she’s more fit than I’ve ever been. You guys, it’s not even how blatantly boring and unimaginative her recent single is. Nope.

It’s her face. It’s her sunken-cheeked, tautly-pulled, creepishly glossy ol’ mug.

When I was little, Madge was untouchable. Zero f*cks were given about others’ opinions of her. As an artist, she did what she wanted and offended on purpose — even her fans, and unapologetically. She wrote a whole song about how she’s not sorry. On American Bandstand, she famously told Dick Clark she wanted to rule the world, stating, “I think I’ve always had a lot of confidence in myself.”

And “confidence” is still the first word that comes to mind these days!
Right after “No.”

Our parents once made us cut up a CD of hers because it was too suggestive. Yes, we literally cut it up with scissors. And now that’s what surgeons do TO HER FACE.

I resent the notion that men get better with age but women have to fight to stay young-looking, and it disappoints me that Madonna succumbs to that crap. Idiots like Heidi Montag don’t surprise me, but that’s because they’re idiots. I suppose I held the Queen of Pop to a higher standard, perhaps because she seems like such a health nut. And true health nuts don’t implant themselves with foreign objects and chemicals… right?

Cosmetic surgery has become so common that I could probably learn to forgive a nip or a tuck here and there — but have you seen her cheekbones? It’s like they got jealous of her kneecaps and overcompensated for it. That’s not just a nip/tuck, that’s a whole season of it on DVD.

You know where this will eventually lead, right?

‘Cept glowier. Probably.

To me, the biggest letdown is seeing a woman I once thought was practically invincible to the world’s standards of beauty suddenly bowing down to them. Those unruly eyebrows! That gap between her two front teeth! She wasn’t just ahead of the curve, she was setting it.

The Material Girl’s penchant for “pushing the envelope” (to use her own words) seems at odds with giving in to peer pressure on a matter as heavy as cosmetic surgery. But it looks like the only envelope she’s pushing these days is one filled with cash, toward her plastic surgeon.

I wonder if she knows he’s not REALLY a doctor…

It’s like Madame says. “Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly is all the way to the bone.” And that goes triple for the ones in Madonna’s cheeks.