Dudes and lady dudes. The weather? I am under it.

I always feel slightly delirious when I get sick enough to be couch-ridden. I start contemplating what life will be like as a vegetable, which is kind of ironic because I typically don’t like vegetables and I’m super picky about the ones I eat. I mean, I like raw carrots but not cooked ones, and I like cooked asparagus but I don’t eat it raw. I like broccoli and cauliflower both ways, but now that I say that, it sounds kind of perverted so maybe forget I mentioned it.

Aaaaaaaaanyway, I’ve jotted down some of my thoughts over the last few days of misery. And by misery I mean slowly burying myself in an avalanche of tissues and despair.

• Bathing is overrated! I hardly miss it.
• What’s that smell?
• If I could just relieve this congestion, I’d feel so much better!
• If I could just stop my nose from running, I’d feel so much better!
• If I could just get rid of this cough, I’d feel so much better!
• If I could just get a complete respiratory system transplant but without having to have any actual surgery and just skip that whole part about taking drugs so that my body doesn’t reject it, I’d feel so much better!
• Ahhhh, a little steam on my face feels really OH GOD MY NOSTRILS ARE SEARED
• I bet seared nostrils are considered a delicacy somewhere in the world.

Know what? That’s probably enough for now. I should get back to my Mucinetflix.