On my last trip to New York I made my first fur purchase ever. I don’t even know if it’s real. I found it at a flea market. Classy, I KNOW. But it’s in beautiful shape, it was only $60, and it doesn’t have an odor (always a plus), so I went for it.

Besides, I have always wanted a fur muff.

INSERT JOKE HERE.

Problem is, this didn’t happen without a few pangs of guilt. I’ve never purchased real fur (to my knowledge), and would never go to a retail store to buy a new fur item. Too much for my conscience and my pocketbook.

That’s odd… who the f*ck still says pocketbook?

So I have to ask myself: how is this different from buying leather products? Or eating meat? Aren’t the reasons for banning those things pretty much the same as for boycotting fur? This b*tch loves her a hamburger, and if you’ve been to my house you’ve seen the shrine of leather pumps piled from floor to ceiling. So where does this guilt about fur come from?

PETA tits. It comes from PETA tits.

One could argue that you need shoes and food to live, but you don’t need frivolous items like fur. But by the same logic, you don’t need meat and leather in your diet or wardrobe. There are alternatives.

I have a number of friends who are vegan or vegetarian, and they all have their own unique reasons. Animal cruelty, health, just plain picky eating… and those are just the ones I know about. I guess what I’m saying is everyone has their causes and my list just doesn’t happen to include a ban on fur.

There’s simply no room for it, what with my campaign to outlaw slow walking on city sidewalks.

So that, my friends, is how I rationalized buying a vintage fur muff from an old Asian man with very few teeth at a New York City flea market.