I’m picky about perfume. I don’t want to smell like a teenager, an old hag, or desperation. I used to wear Sarah Jessica Parker’s Endless, but those ironic a-holes discontinued it. I think it’s back now, but I’m not done with my tantrum yet. Is expecting a personal apology from SJP unrealistic?

Sephora helped me choose a new scent with a magical book that tells you what your future will smell like. Mine, surprisingly, was not Diet Dr. Pepper and steak farts.

After testing a couple bottles, I went with Ralph by Ralph Lauren and was delighted to find that it had a matching lotion. Take THAT, Sarah! Yeah, that’s right. I dropped the Jessica Parker. 

Not so fast, though. My buzz was totally killed the first time I used the lotion. I was aghast to find it contained glitter. GLITTER. I am talking about teeny tiny shiny colorful sparkling pieces of bullsh*t on my (young but still) adult body with no Halloween costume to justify it.

Like any other (heteronormative, first world-dwelling) girl, I have a special place in my heart for glitter. But once you reach high school — ok, maybe college — there becomes such a thing as TOO MUCH FRACKING GLITTER.

That goes double for you, Mimi.

I convinced myself that it was pointless to waste a perfectly good scented lotion. I immediately regretted that decision when the travel size bottle I kept in my work bag ‘sploded. I’m guessing the only other human ever to witness such horror is the doctor who performed Mariah Carey’s C-Section.

I’m starting to think what happened with my bag wasn’t an accident. How far reaching do you guys think SJP’s influence is?