My a cappella group recently put an ad on Craigslist for a new vocal percussionist. We received an email response that some might call an application, but I’m more inclined to call it an assault on what’s left of the English language.

Here is the response I would have sent if I had any balls (and if I didn’t represent six other people). Buckle up, the opener is a doozy.

From: The Manchild
To: Addi
Subject: Vocal Percussionist Available!

TWIGG, Check it out:
Ew, wut? I’m not your fraternity brother. Stop that.

YES, I do do sum VP (see resume)!
You do “some” VP. You are not adding up vocal percussion like some sort of beatboxing idiot savant. 

Just wanna let ya know I’m ALSO a Vocalist, Bass & Baritone (see Youtube vid)…
Are you referring to the video of you playing guitar, or the other one of you playing guitar? Are there any videos of you anywhere doing ANYTHING OTHER THAN PLAYING GUITAR? WHERE DID I PUT MY INHALER?

…and am very interested in joining a progressive accapella group…
“A cappella” was spelled correctly in both the subject and the body of the Craigslist posting to which you responded. If I were responding to an ad for a mandolin player, I’d sure as sh*t know how to spell “mandolin.”  

…(such as the type you’ve implied).
The only implication here is that you don’t understand what “implied” means.

Let’s hook up & see what happens, KooL?
No. NONONONO. There will be no hooking. There will be no up.

IT IS NOT KOOL.
—–

My actual reply to this guy was to tell him that we have since taken our old VP guy back (thank goodness). If The Manchild were the only option, I’m afraid for now we’d have to repost the ad and table our arrangement of that Information Society song.