Podcast Episode 19: Who’s Your Daddy?

John Hancock and Joshua Patton join me to talk about having dads, being dads, and our favorite fictional fathers for this special Father’s Day episode!

johnjoshua

Click here to listen on iTunes.

Intro 00:00
If you review me on iTunes, I’ll read your review on an episode. Promise! And don’t forget to check out our awesome/funny sponsors!

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Pod Pourri 06:25
From fart clouds to fear of royal fuckups, John and Joshua tell me all about why being a dad is awesome/terrifying.

Facebook Says 44:21
Sometimes your dad does something sweet like send you peanut butter at college. And sometimes he scars you for life by shaving  off all his facial hair.

Games People Play 53:58
Dad themed trivia!

Outro 01:00:20
Check out www.joshuampatton.com and @joshuampatton! John Hancock will be your friend on facebook if you ask nicely.

And remember, you can get podcast extras on our Facebook page!

Like Us On Facebook

Episode 16: Grown Man Business with Aaron Kleiber

Actor and comedian Aaron Kleiber is the hardest working Pittsburgh-based comic I know. I finally had the chance to corner him and ask annoying questions about the biz. Tune in and you’ll find out why Aaron is one of my favorite funny people.

Kleiber

Click here to listen on iTunes.

Intro 00:00
Meet Aaron! And hear the reviews you lovely people have written! Also, don’t forget to check out our awesome/funny sponsors.

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Pod Pourri 09:38
How the hell do you go from working day jobs to being a career entertainer? How does an improv background make you a better stand-up comic? Aaron answers these and many, many more of my obnoxious questions.

Games People Play 53:19
Religion & comedy themed trivia questions featuring Sam Kinison, Victoria Jackson, and a Christian mom comic you’ve probably never heard of!

Outro 01:04:44
Visit www.aaronkleiber.com to order your copy of Aaron’s fresh DVD. Keep your eyes peeled for an invitation to his DVD release party May 12. He’s also @aaronkleiber on Twitter and is doing a new “Watch It For You” series on the AaronKleiber YouTube Channel where he describes movies as he views them so that you don’t have to!

And don’t forget, you can get podcast extras on our Facebook page. Click below to visit and “Like” us!

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Podcast Episode 8: Don’t Fear Le Reaper

Are you afraid of death? My old friend Doug Marshall asked that question of me recently, so we saved the discussion for the podcast. Doug’s PhD thesis addressed this very topic, trying to understand how we find meaning in life and death through the tradition of the New Orleans jazz funeral.

This may be a heavy topic, but true to form, we definitely got plenty of jokes in there. This topic fascinates me in general, so I hope you enjoy listening as much as I enjoyed the conversation.

Click here if you prefer to listen on iTunes.

00:00 Intro
- Meet Doug, a church camp friend of mine from TWENTY YEARS ago. Gross.
- Doug gives a little background on the topic and his personal experience with it.

04:36 Pod Pourri
- Learn why Doug selected this topic for his dissertation (SPOILER: it’s the music).
- What exactly is a jazz funeral?
- Doug mentions a New Orleans jazz album by Hugh Laurie (yes, THAT Hugh Laurie), which you can find on Spotify.
- I share some responses I got from Facebook friends when I posed the question, “Do you fear death?” Some of them surprised me…
- Doug and I get into some “would you rather” hypotheticals about dying and SHIT. GETS. REAL.

49:38 If I Were You
- Doug tells you where to go if you visit New Orleans!
- He then explains how even YOU can confront your fear of death for only $19.99 if you act now!
- I stump him with the “what song(s) would be played at your jazz funeral” question, but he has PLENTY of answers for what to play at mine…

53:48 Outro
- Doug can be found on Twitter and Instagram under the handle @DJMuddy.
- Post-podcast, he shared some of his favorite New Orleans brass music with me. You should check it out on Spotify:
Magnificent Sevenths – Authentic New Orleans Jazz Funeral
Rebirth Brass Band 

Thanks for tackling this taboo subject with us, everyone! I hope we entertained/offended you all equally.

Podcast Episode 5: Sibling Revelry

Intro
It’s the holidays, and that means spending LOTS of time with family. I decided it would make sense to share some childhood stories, so my guest this time around was my brother, Andrew. He also brought his dog Rusty, who didn’t have much to contribute to this topic. Probably because he’s an only child.

Click here if you prefer to listen on iTunes.


02:24 Pod Pourri
- Our childhood stories! Appendicitis, broken bones, and runaway cars! How did we survive?
- YOUR childhood stories! How did YOU guys survive stuffing each other into sleeping bags and beating the life out of each other until you passed out? Good grief.
- Twigg sibling musical tastes & harmonizing ESP

44:59 Games People Play
- MARIO KART BATTLE MODE!
- Whoops, we remembered some more childhood stories. Let’s add them here!
- Taboo ESP! Celebrity! Party games are where it’s at.
- We get our competitiveness honestly…

58:45 Outro
- Y’all can find Andrew on Twitter @andrewtwigg or on Instagram @andrew_twigg!
- Thanks for joining me, bro. I love you.
- Leave your sibling stories in the comments!

F*ck the Halls, Just Deck the Doors

I love Christmastime. I’m a big ol’ sap for it. YES, THAT IS A TREE JOKE.

Even though I’m not as close-knit with my family as many others are, I tend to romanticize spending time with them over the holidays. Unfortunately, I’m not into decorating much. My laziness totally beats out my enthusiasm like some sort of rock-paper-scissors game where it’s enthusiasm instead of a rock and laziness instead of paper. Except there’s no third thing to balance them out, and it doesn’t totally make sense because wouldn’t you consider rocks to be lazier than paper? I mean, rocks just sit there. At least paper is useful.

So what solved my decorating dilemma? For the last few years, mom and dad have sent me a beautiful Christmas wreath to hang on my front door. I’ve decided this wreath is all the decoration I’ll ever need, and for a number of reasons.

5. It goes on the outside of the door, so there’s no mess inside the house! I don’t have to complain incessantly! At least not specifically about this!

4. It’s from mom and dad, so it makes me think of them.

3. These things last FOR. EVER.  Seriously, I think we finally got rid of it in like March last year. They’re like the Twinkies of the Christmas decoration world. This is doubly awesome because my aforementioned laziness prevents me from disposing of them promptly. Then again, who doesn’t love Christmas in July!

2. People who see my home only from the outside will notice the lovely wreath and assume my entire house is decorated perfectly and smells of sugar cookies and Christmas boners. Which is probably redundant because I imagine Christmas boners probably smell like sugar cookies.

1. In case you hadn’t noticed, my last name is Twigg. Technically, all I really need to do is keep myself decorated, which I do year ’round, y’all. YES, THAT IS ANOTHER TREE JOKE.

What are your favorite Christmas decorations?

Gravy Training

Despite her children being in their 30′s, our mom is constantly dishing out the kind of advice that should be reserved for kindergarteners. This habit combined with the her being the meekest among us makes her an easy target for teasing. That is, until she becomes a moving target.

Every year at Thanksgiving dinner, we have delicious homemade gravy. And every year, Mom pours that gravy into a lovely white gravy boat on a lovely white gravy boat plate. And every year, when she picks up the plate to pass it to the person next to her, she reminds us to be careful because the gravy boat is not attached. And it’s the same for the next person. And the next person. And the person after that. And the dog. And the neighbors. And the mayor. And THE GRAVY BOAT IS NOT. FRICKING. ATTACHED. YOU GUYS.

Like any loving family should, we tease her mercilessly over this. Nowadays, we beat her to the punch, loudly and repeatedly reminding the table that the gravy boat is NOT ATTACHED, no matter who is doing the passing or receiving. But do you wanna know the funny thing? Regardless of who is doing the reminding, the effect is the same: we know to handle that boat with care.

By Thanksgiving Day of 2011, the dining room tables had turned. The gravy hardly got passed even once before Mom suddenly burst out giggling. When she finally caught her breath, she proudly explained that she had just pranked us — by using sticky tack to ATTACH THE GRAVY BOAT TO THE GRAVY BOAT PLATE.

Turns out? Sticky tack melts under gravy-serving temperature, which ultimately taught Mom a tougher, gummier lesson than the rest of us when it came time to do the dishes. I’d like to say the joke was on her, but let’s be honest: the rest of us learned a lesson that day, and it was one we will never, ever forget.

And that? That’s something I’m thankful for.

Podcast Episode 4: Serendipity Doo-Dah

Do you believe in destiny? Do you try to decipher deeper meaning from what may be just coincidence? We tackle the subject and toss you a few good laughs along the way.

Click here to listen on iTunes instead.

Intro
My guest for this episode is David Fedor, Pittsburgh comedian, improviser, and member of the comedy troupe Hustlebot.

02:48 Pod Pourri
- We wax philosophical about the origins of a belief (or lack of belief) in destiny.
- Dave talks about his weirdo encounters with the number 22 and I share my own coincidental anecdotes.
- Dave shares a very personal account of the somewhat strange series of events leading up to his father’s death.
- Some friends of mine submitted their own destiny/coincidence stories for sharing. Let’s judge them!
- Serendipity is a terrible movie and we both LOVE IT.

44:45 Games People Play
- Frisketball, you guys.
- Hustlebot’s short film Roll the Dice has an official drinking game! (Aside: you MUST listen to the podcast sodelet of Hustlebot’s Ding Dong Power Hour!)
- We discuss games involving luck vs. skill. SCRABBLE IS NOT ALL LUCK, YOU GUYS.

Outro
- Check out Hustlebot and the Pittsburgh Improv Jam!
- Dave is also on Twitter at @DSFedor!

If you have any intriguing stories about coincidence or fate, leave ‘em in the comments! And thanks for adding it up with us!

Staycation, All I Ever Wanted

My family is usually on Lake Erie in Vermilion, Ohio at this time of year, where we stay in a gated community called Linwood. My now octogenarian grandfather vacationed there when he was a boy. Unfortunately, his health is not so great this year, so we’re making the most of just chillin’ as a family and staying at my parents’ new home, where Grandpa has a sweet-ass finished basement/bachelor pad.

Grandpa Norman, how come your bed is vibrating?

Last night we swam in two different pools (first our friend Dave’s, then mom & dad’s) and worked up some Olympic-sized appetites. This resulted in the inevitable MIDNIGHT SNACK. Let’s see how the contestants faired, shall we?

Joe’s snack:
1. Chex mix, 2 points. Oh, it was homemade? 10 bonus points.
2. A handful of Jelly Bellies, 5 points for not caring what flavors you picked.

P.I.M.P.

Addi’s snack:
1. Two pieces of cooked turkey bacon found in the fridge (so good cold!), 2 points.
2. Cape Cod potato chips with Helluva Good dip (and let’s be real, people, BRAND NAMES MATTER HERE), 8 points.
3. A Hershey’s Special Dark candy bar… which was found at the bottom of the pantry, 5 points. WITH A FLASHLIGHT? 10 points.

 

Unfortunately, we still haven’t found my dignity or self-control.

It shouldn’t surprise anyone that I win at snacktime. When you raid the kitchen late at night, what’s it usually for?

How Andrew Twigg is Ruining the Fabric of Society

What follows is just one person’s perspective (MINE, dummies!) on Pride and the fight for LGBT equality. All names and images were used with permission. Pittsburgh Pride is running June 1-10. Please visit their website for information and a schedule of events.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past, oh, ALL OF TIME EVER, you’ve heard anti-gay rhetoric. It’s been going on for so long now that we’ve almost forgotten the true motive behind it: to get you to fear gays. Why? Because then maybe you will hate them.

These nasty comments are always generalized, but that’s not how I hear them. Just in case you’re one of those rare individuals who, gosh, just don’t know any gay people, I’d like to introduce you to my brother, Andrew.

He is bright. Creative. Empathetic. Silly. Loving. A smartypants. A brilliant graphic designer and a pop-culture junkie. He sees the best in everyone — even before he proceeds to bring it out in them. And he just happens to be gay.

Here’s what anti-gay individuals believe — and want YOU to believe — about him.

Andrew Twigg’s marriage would threaten my marriage. It would threaten all marriages. It would threaten the traditional values of this country. If Andrew Twigg can get married, then what? DOGS can too?

Oh that Andrew Twigg, always hatching a plan against the breeders!

But it’s not just about my brother. This talk affects my friends, coworkers, and dozens of people you know personally, too. If someone said these things to your loved ones’ faces, how do you think they’d feel? Probably not how you feel when you hear it on TV.

Here are some more gems, featuring my dear friend Dave.

Gimme a break! The only thing he’d be serving in the military is brownies.

… by acting as Best Man at his brother’s wedding. What a monster!

Now scratch that, reverse it. Forget gay or straight. Saying these things to ANY human being is terrible and hateful. Which is, uh, exactly the point I’m trying to make. What if these things were said about you?

To be fair, I bet rapists and murderers enforce a pretty strict curfew.

I’m not asking you to donate your money or even your time. I’m not asking you to walk around with rainbows all over your person (but seriously, would a pop of color kill you, Morticia?). I’m just asking you to think. Just hear these awful statements for what they are — HATE — and consider the real live individuals on the receiving end.

What are the worst remarks you’ve heard, whether from a politician or a regular Joe? Leave ‘em in the comments — but perhaps phrase them to be about YOU instead.

Sweeping Stinginess Under the Rug

Joe and I have been living in this house for about three years now. We bought it from my Grandpa, who moved in with my parents due to age and some minor health issues. The man turned 88 this week and is still playing the field at the local senior center.

Grandpa has always been a little… odd. In a conversation with my mother, he once expressed his fear of losing all his belongings in a disaster because gosh, he wouldn’t have anything left to live for if he lost all his stuff! Mom gently reminded him that he has a loving family, including SEVERAL GRANDCHILDREN, to live for.

Though admittedly his stuffed animal collection is probably
worth WAY more than our collective lives.

So, back to us. Before moving in, Joe and I painted every single f*cking wall and removed all the carpeting in the house. In the smallest bedroom, there was a rug under the carpet. I was a little disappointed that instead of finding a smaller rug under that and an even smaller rug under that, we discovered a twenty dollar bill that had probably been chillin’ there for at least 40 years.

We found this kind of amusing because Grandpa is known for being somewhat… tight with his money. We called Dad to share the story and he happened to be in the car with Mom and Gramps.

I swear on the children I will absolutely never have that my dear Grandfather proceeded to ask for the twenty dollars back.

SAY WHAAAAAT?

That’s right. He asked for $20 from half his life ago back. And you know what? We gave it to him. That exact twenty dollar bill. Because, you know, it was his.

Dad made us promise to never ever tell Grandpa about anything we find in the house that is of any value whatsoever. I guess that would include the dirty jar of quarters we found in the back of the overcrowded kitchen cabinets…

To be fair, his ultimate generosity is what allowed us to buy the house. We love him very much, he just has some bad habits.

How about you? Which of your relatives are notorious for bad behavior? We’ve all got’em!